Ellis Jules | Little Moments

It's the little moments with this little gal I love. Its watching her grunt through tummy time and figuring out how her arms work. The kicking of the little legs and sprawling of toes. She makes my days more interesting than the day before. 

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*Outfit is a thrifted CrewCuts one piece. Heres something similar. We love how light and airy it is for Houston's summer. 

I'm one of THOSE moms.

I write this as I watch my almost 10 week old in the monitor sleeping in her crib in her room for the first time. Last night I slept in the room with her, so I'd say that this is progress. Ever have those realizations that catch you off guard, but not entirely off guard? Like you had a sneaky suspicion you'd be THAT mom that you thought you wouldn't be? During pregnancy I never took a clear stance on many things, made sure I "never said never", but I had a plan. 

I had a moment today as I was cleaning the car seat of what was an epic blowout on the way to church. It was one of those cleaning jobs that introduces you to the fact the car seat cover does come off (thank God). Sparing you the details, but it took me 30 minutes to clean my daughter and car seat. I am thankful for the nursery staff that let me use their changing table because for some odd reason this church's bathroom does NOT have a changing station in their women's room (seriously?!). But, as I was cleaning and leaving my immobile child on the changing table a nursery worker saved her from rolling in her mess and held her for me. 

Realization number 1- I am not ready for her to go into the nursery at church, even at 10 weeks old. As that sweet nursery worker held my baby, I wanted to hurry up and get both of us out of there. I have worked the church nursery since I was 12. I had no idea the inner turmoil mom's must go through before leaving their kids with strangers, even in a church nursery. Luckily for the mom's leaving their kiddos with me knew me since I was that size. To all those new moms that I convinced to leave their babies in the nursery with me, lets just agree to sit in the cry room together and grip our first born tightly and watch the service on closed circuit tv, ok? I am speaking for all the new moms out there who go to church-- having nursing mom/cry rooms with the ability to hear/see the service with your ticking time bomb of a baby is PRICELESS. What helped me feel great about getting back to church with a newborn, I knew I had a safe room for my kid to lose her mind or eat loudly uncovered.

Realization number 2- I have more separation anxiety than I expected. Moving Ellis to her room, just the thought of it had me reaching for xanax. A day running errands, as soon as I get home I hold her and let her nap next to me while I work. I miss my kid, even when she's in the same house/vehicle. I seriously started feeling tears well up in my eyes from the anxiousness I had when I made the decision to let her sleep in her own room. The last time I had that same scared/anxious feeling was when I decided to move to Texas from Connecticut. I allow myself some grace. I had this girl inside me for 41 weeks and haven't really left her in the 10 weeks of her life. I brought my favorite teddy bear to college and marriage ( I don't sleep with it, but I know its there). 

Realization number 3- Tonight I left my sleeping baby with my husband at home, for the first time EVER. As I walked through Target, aimlessly wandering, I felt lost. I didn't know how to meander. I couldn't figure out what to do in Target without my time clock called a baby. I did probably the WORST thing by attempting to find a bathing suit top (gave up after trying on 1 top). I wandered into the baby dept. and stared at clothing that she doesn't need. My amazing husband even gave me an allowance to buy something. I couldn't do it. So I went to Walmart, and still aimlessly wandered the BABY aisle. I only texted my husband once (or twice) asking if she was still breathing. But I texted a few friends for support, because momma needed xanax bad. I finally shook some sense into myself and asked what is one place I can't easily go to with a carseat/baby? JIMMYJOHNS. With all my freedom bestowed upon me, I went to Jimmy Johns and got a tuna sandwich. #lame

After all is said and done, I texted one of my friends who is about to have baby #2, to apologize for a few things when her baby #1 was here. I apologized for laughing at her when she said she missed her baby when she was in the back in her carseat. I apologized for suggesting she leave her kid for a weekend while we all went away. I apologized for being offended when she told me I would understand when I became a mom.  And you know what, as hard as it was to hear that, ITS SO DAMN TRUE. Motherhood is great. I am not sure I'm seeing the rewards yet, but I know they're coming. You really don't know how you'll feel about anything until you are a mom. So I am one of THOSE moms, who loves their kid and misses them when they're sleeping. I know there will come a day when I am beyond ready to go to target by myself. So the next time my husband asks if I enjoyed myself, I can hopefully honestly say yes. 

HALFWAY

It looks as if I haven't updated this in 7 weeks (my last post was at 13 weeks). My drafts would tell you otherwise as I have a few posts just hanging in the wings. Mostly those posts were not making sense. Maybe at some point I will go self edit and make them usable, but until then here is the halfway point update.

1. Who will our little one be? 
I admit I was adamant about not finding out the gender at first. There were so many friends of friends and friends that had either lost a baby late in pregnancy or had birth issues. It changed my heart in wanting to know. I told Jimmy that if the pregnancy is the only time I have with this specific child, I want to know who is in there. So we went ahead and found out! According to our ultrasound tech (who has never predicted wrong) we are going to be the happy parents of a little girl!! We swore all the way up until the goo was on my belly that we were destined to have a little boy first. I secretly and not so secretly wanted a girl, but I had felt like it was a boy for the most part. As soon as they said girl the first statement that came out of my mouth was, "oh drama!!" Now, I have decided that I will not speak "drama" over my little girl but, I do know with girls comes more of the dramatics. I can go on and on about how happy I am to be the momma of a little girl. I think its more about the relationship we will have than anything.

2. What's in a name? Ellis Jules
As soon as I found out it was a girl, I was determined to settle on a name. It was important to me to know my little girl by name. So while Jimmy wasn't exactly on the same pace as I was in making the final decision of names, he met me where I was. We had an amazing boy name picked out that we will tuck away for later use. The list of names I had have been the same list I made at least 2-3 years back. There were a few names that I was completely sold on, until I started thinking of them with my married last name. But, Ellis was the name I fell the most in love with. Ellis Island is a favorite of mine. I love US history and I love what Ellis Island stands for. It was a welcome center for foreigners. Part of my prayer for Ellis is that she be a world changer with a big welcoming spirit. Ellis also means "the Lord is my God." I pray continually that Ellis will choose the Lord (Jesus Christ) as her God. The middle name was very important to me. The first name could be a fun name that had its own character. The middle name had to be a family name or a name of meaning. Jules is where my heart settled after realizing naming her Ellis Grey would be a social nightmare. Apparently I don't watch Greys Anatomy to know who Ellis Grey was. Thank you friends and instagram hashtag searches.

Jules is derived from Julie. Probably my freshman year of college I met this lady randomly while working in the nursery. I knew I recognized her as an Alum who spoke at my college. I also knew, I wanted to know her! My college had a program for local Alumni families to adopt college kids for Sunday lunch, holidays, a place to go etc. I ended up with an amazing family with lots of kids who loved soccer. By Homecoming of the next year, I was speaking at a Lunch where somehow I got seated at the table with the President of Evangel (my college), some city official of Springfield,Mo and Julie was sitting right next to me. Here I was, nervous and going over my index cards of what I would say. She leaned over and asked, "Sooo what would you do if I just took your cards and threw them away?" After that, I made sure to say hi to her whenever I saw her. Well fast forward to my Junior and Senior year... I ended up at her house almost every Sunday during college. And they have become family! If there was one lady out there I want Ellis Jules to be like, Julie is one of them!

3. What am I reading?
Ok. So my reading may or may not open up a can of worms. My goal in reading is to capture the essence and principals behind the methods to apply to my family as I see fit. So while I have read portions of the book, I am not committed to their entire premise or practices! I am a researcher. I love reading blogs, books and articles about many different ideas. What I have been told I am good at is the digestion of information. Some how I can read something and apply it to situations. I also have a ridiculous memory. So in reading these books, I hope to find application for Ellis' unique personality.

To Train Up a Child- I read this back when I wasn't pregnant. I have yet to open it again since I have not a great taste in my mouth from the authors other books and methods. I did like the concepts they have, regarding parenting, and have seen both good and bad fruit come from this book.

Baby Wise- I read this whole thing and love the idea of it. We shall see come next year when Ellis is here what principals I apply.

Hypno Babies- I was skeptical at first of the whole hypnosis audiobook kind of thing. I have come to the realization that I definitely have more fears and anxieties than I thought I did. The whole positive affirmations of pregnancy has helped me so much with removing negativity. I have definitely come to believe that your thoughts become words and actions. I love believing that this is a healthy, normal pregnancy that will result in a healthy, easy birth. I also love the ability to block out naysayers and skeptics.

The Bradley Method- We will start this class with our doula come January/February.

Grace Based Parenting- I want to start reading this

Growing Kids God's Way- I want to start reading this

4. How am I feeling? 
I feel like that is the question I get the most. First trimester I was grumpy a lot. I feel like I can be more chipper these days than the first trimester. I blame the grumpiness on feeling nausea all day long, consistently having headaches and my the aches and pains with growing. The 2nd trimester, I feel like I can finally stay up way past my normal 7pm bedtime that first tri had me doing. I feel great. At 20 weeks I can happily say I love it. Sometimes I forget I am pregnant, then I look down and see the bulging belly happening before my eyes. Lately, I have been eating oranges a lot. Like I can't get enough citrus fruits. I also can't seem to drink enough milk. I HATED milk when I was a kid and even as an adult (unless its in cereal or flavored). So this entire pregnancy, even first trimester, milk has been my feel good drink. I also am very very grateful that I got a fetal doppler. I love listening to Ellis' heart beat whenever I feel like I just want to hear her. I think she is pretty mellow right now. Her heart rate has been consistently 135-145 every time I listen. I have felt her movements and its totally weird. Sometimes I doubt it is her. But I am just trusting that whatever I am feeling is totally amazing!
 

13 WEEKS

Let's talk awkward. This photo is just as awkward for me as it might be for you. There's only one time in life where a "belly" is celebrated on a woman. I mean, where a "belly" is considered a photo worthy moment. This week we hit the 13 week mark. That's a giant milestone for me given my past few pregnancies. Any time I post something to the internet world, I hold my breath and get a wee bit anxious. I am thankful for a sweet momma that I took newborn pictures for. She gave me a fetal doppler. At first I was very against me becoming somewhat hooked to the fetal doppler, but now that I own one I am hooked. Its just the most comforting thing for me to hear our baby's heart beating. Its always a long 4 weeks in between appointments, so the doppler is great. 

So 13 weeks... yes I believe I will carry high, as my belly button is on the high side and my torso is on the short side. For those who care about symptoms, I have constant heartburn/acid reflux. Super thankful for Papaya Enzyme that has helped with that. And I have all day nausea. Otherwise, wanting to pass out everyday by 4pm has been my everyday since finding out I was preggo.

We have decided to not find out the gender. I know, I know... how will we ever prepare for the baby? Well, since my favorite colors on newborn squishy babies are grey, white and navy, I think that about sums up the clothing and nursery issue. I admit, I am anti big bows, tutus & onsies with dogs/monkeys on my boy's butt. I figured I'll share a few of the things I impulse bought for our baby. 





OH BABY.


I guess you can say it's "official". Well, social media official that I am indeed pregnant. It's crazy to think that making it social media official, makes its OFFICIAL. I mean, it was pretty darn official when I peed on a stick and literally a positive line jumped at me. But social media official is a whole new level of public knowledge. I was telling my husband the one thing that made me anxious about posting the announcement picture was the permission you grant to everyone. One thing's for sure, I don't anticipate being looked at in the face anymore. Its as though once it's public knowledge, people start talking to your belly ( I admit I am/was one of those). Wait until the belly is publicly large enough to warrant rubbing. I say all this to say, I am very very very excited to be pregnant. And I can (not) wait until the belly is large. I mean, I can wait.

So we can't wait to find out what baby is in my belly April 2014! Were guessing somewhere between April 12-19, either way, we got ourselves an Easter Baby!! Im praying for a healthy adorable baby & Jimmy is hoping for a boy. I just love baby clothes in gray, navy & other earth tones. Because, hey I wear those colors, so a baby girl can too I will say, BabyGap's spring clothes always seem to be my favorite behind fall.

There you have it! My good news and reason to blog again!

Items in the Picture: 

What to Expect When You're Expecting (Book) 
Toms Shoes (Giraffe print - discontinued)
"Baby" Onsie (Hello Apparel)
Baby Cardoza Notebook (May Designs- Custom Notebooks)