LISTS // QUOTES

This week's list, from blogger Moorea Seal, was a bit of stretch for me. A favorite quote in the office is, Continuously amazed, rarely surprised. I'm not one of those girls that are obsessed with quotes. I mean, most quotes I like are from books or movies. The majority of quotes I cherish are bible verses. Unfortunately, I usually don't look for quotes when I am happy. It's when I'm stressed / overwhelmed / anxious / frustrated that I go searching for something to meditate on. Sometimes, its more for motivation.

What a challenge I have given myself. I will trust in the Lord's great love + expect Him to never leave me alone. Trusting and expecting things are definitely not my strengths. My quote that I (used to) live by, is Hope for the best, but expect the worst. My personal favorite, (have) Low Expectations, High Acceptance. Obviously, that mentality is a protective mentality. I can convince myself it is helping me to be more flexible and ready for any situation. I feel like someone read my mail and called me out on that. 

During the whole wedding planning process, I had crazy amounts of anxiety. There wasn't enough time in the day to get everything done. I wasn't worried about the technical wedding, just the marriage part. The fear of the unknown really. I was having anxiety attacks a lot. For me, an anxiety attack was an increased heart rate, shortness of breath, I feel like I am running really fast, my mind is racing and usually I end up crying. I had to search the word. I had to search my heart. I had to pray. I had to stop expecting the worst. 

I have learned over the past few years, that more and more people struggle with anxiety. For me, it's usually the battle of the mind. I know for others, its an assortment of things. The biggest trigger for me is when I go into any given situation with low expectations. Its as if I live waiting for the other shoe to drop. That is most definitely not living in faith. 

What, what would have become of me had I not believed that I would see the Lord’s goodness in the land of the living! Wait and hope for and expect the Lord; be brave and of good courage and let your heart be stout and enduring. Yes, wait for and hope for and expect the Lord. - Psalm 27:14 AMP

Even in trials, as we read in Psalm 27, we are not to expect the worst. How can we not expect the worst when things like the Boston Marathon & Sandy Hook tragedies happen? Those two specific tragedies hit my heart the hardest. How can we not expect the worst, when bad things happen EVERY day? Wait and hope...and expect the Lord. 

I think my biggest trigger to fear and anxiety, is that I continually think I can live on my own strength. Sunday's message rang loud and clear to me. When we are in the trials of life, situations that are out of our control, our stubbornness thinks our strength can outlast God. I kept having this image in my head of what an Occupy My Garbage (sit-in) would look like with God. God always wins, always.  

The service walked through Genesis 43, and the story of Jacob being fearful and anxious about sending Benjamin to Egypt to get food for his famine stricken family. A lot of his inner turmoil came out of his lack of faith and expecting the worst. His family was endangered due to his lack of faith. They were starving and he expected to outlast the famine. A trial is something that drains all of our resources so that we may go to God for what we lack. If we lacked nothing, why would we need God? If we didn't need God, why would he have created us?

Something the pastor said, If God never breaks you, you're not in relationship with him, struck me hard. My inner visual learner kicked in when he said that. Immediately, I began to start thinking of a wild horse that can't trust/need his master if he is never broken. One thing we can expect, is that God will break us. I don't exactly know what that looks like for everyone, but for me it usually has to do with control. When something is outside my control, I get fearful and anxious. God is still continuing to break me of that bent. 

That's right. Because I, your God, have a firm grip on you and I'm not letting go. I'm telling you, 'Don't panic. I'm right here to help you. - Isaiah 41:13 MSG

The verse I have memorized the best and longest, is Isaiah 41:10. It was my baptismal verse given to me when I was 12. It's been my life verse, I have leaned on it heavily. When I got to college, I actually read the context of the verse. I wish I had read the full chapter earlier than I did, it would've strengthened me in a lot of situations. You see, in this chapter, we are told we are chosen by God. We (Israel) are His first choice and he tells us fear not, for I am with you. Be not dismayed, for I am your God.  

If I'm understanding this right, He tells me He is with me. Why do I expect him to leave me alone? He won't leave me. If were still talking about quotes, I can think of the you can't outrun God, quote if you'd like. Though people have let me down, I can't count on one finger when God has actually let me down. I can count on a few dozen hands when I am sure I have let God down, but who's keeping track? Not God. God has achievable expectations and high acceptance - yay for Grace. 

For now, the whole low expectations, high acceptance mentality I've had for a long time is being cast aside. If I move forward trusting in the Lord's great love + expecting Him to never leave me alone, I don't need to shield myself. If I stop relying on my own strength, I won't feel like I am at an Occupy my garbage with God - He's stronger than me. If I start expecting Him to be who He say's he is, I don't have to be anxious about the rest. 

What causes you the most anxiety? What do your expectations of situations look like? What trials are you in that you have to seek the Lord's resources? What can I pray for you about? Please feel free to

email me or comment on this! 

Have you followed me on Bloglovin yet? It's this nifty thing that puts all your favorite blogs in one place! I LOVE the fact I can flip between blogs without ever leaving Bloglovin's site. 

TUESDAY'S STORY // SHARE HIS LOVE

Over the past week or so, I have this nagging thought when it comes to this blog. I keep thinking about how there are so many stories out there that needs to be shared and how my mundane (well maybe not too mundane) life can't be the only thing people should read about. So I started to think of all my friends that are spread out around the map doing awesome things. So I wanted to start a new series called, Tuesday's Story. If I can give a small glimpse of His heart in this series, my goal is met. 

This first edition of Tuesday's story comes to us from the sweetest, most normal 14-year old I've ever met. I met Makaila at a girl's retreat I was speaking at and knew I just was going to love her! She cheers, plays basketball & loves health and nutrition. Not only is she beautiful on the outside, she has the most precious giving heart. She dreams and loves big. Her Mom & siblings are on an 80-day missions trip to South Africa... 

How my journey started:

It is amazing how much can change in a few short weeks. One minute I am in school.. tired, bored and frustrated with the routine of life, thinking there has to be more! I have always had an adventurous spirit.  I'm fascinated by traveling and other cultures.  One night while driving, I had a conversation with my mom about my desire to travel. Little did I know, they had planned an 80 day missions trip to South Africa. Within two weeks of this announcement we were on our way to South Africa to work with Impact Africa.

What we do in South Africa:

Our work is mainly with Impact Kids. The goal of Impact kids is to reach and educate the underprivileged, orphaned and at risk children, with quality, caring Christian education. We spend many of our days at the preschools showing God’s love to these kids.

Ministry and Discipleship in the squatter camps: Extreme poverty can be found in these camps. They are home to over 250,000 people that live side by side in tin shacks. We go shack to shack sharing the hope of Christ and praying for those in need.

What this journey has taught me:

God’s provision always goes before us when we are in His Will. I have learned on this journey how God has went before us every step of the way. There are incidents and situations that we walk into and we know only God could arrange this, in our own human hands this would not be possible.

 I was a typical teenager that was sad leaving my closest friends, a guy I care about, my cheer team, sports, fun banquets and events. To be honest, my biggest worry was about lack of technology and staying connected with people back home. I wouldn’t trade what I have seen and learned and how it has changed me for anything. We can’t be afraid to risk it all and move out of our comfort zone to see God move. I don’t want to be the typical teenage and consumed with myself and my wants!

He told us to “GO”…I think every teenager needs to go at least once. In Matthew, He already told us to GO into all the world before he left this earth. God wants to use us in our youth, he wants his love to move through us.

A few weeks before I left, my group of Christian friends were talking about how they had to share their “salvation testimony” in school. They all said, " its a private matter, we shouldn’t have to share that." I thought to myself, this just can’t be true. If Christ is alive in us how will those who don’t know about Christ ever hear? I don’t want to live in a church/Christian culture were we just live good Christian lives in our church buildings or Christian schools. He wants us to invite the lost and share his love with those who don’t know him.

One night while it was storming my mom and I just felt overwhelmed thinking about all the sweet kids we have come to know and love. These kids are sleeping in tin shacks with cold rain dripping on them. It is hard to comprehend these kids live like this day and day out, yet they are grateful for the smallest things. They show up with smiles when they have no reason to smile! I want God to continue to change me to always have a grateful heart at all times!

The need seems overwhelming, but love and hope is found in Him alone. Each of us can play a role in spreading his love. I realize though I am just one, I can make a difference!

You can follow Makaila's journey on her instagram feed & #80daysinafrica. Thank you Makaila for taking time in between your safari & working in the orphanage to write this lovely update! I am so excited for all that you are doing! I am also super proud of you! Can't wait to hug you when you get back stateside!! 

WHY I HATE MODESTY

I hate modesty. 

Before you get defensive, offensive & keep your girls away from me, hear my heart.

I don't hate modesty, I hate this huge campaign to make our girls more "modest". Yes, shorts have become shorter, yes companies are selling riskier underwear to younger girls, and yes tween girls are wearing things that are considerably too sexy. But, the constant force feeding of the word modesty to teen girls by women generations older, is leaving me so irate. If I read another conservative Christian blog out there telling girls to wear bermuda shorts, I will scream (or cuss under my breath). Wearing more clothes is not the answer to this modesty issue.

Why do I say I hate modesty? For the better part of my upbringing, I was taught that being modest is about keeping hidden. It's about hiding things so your brothers in church camp won't stumble. It's about  making sure your shorts are finger tip length or longer (good luck if you have long legs and arms). Modesty is about making sure you wear a t-shirt all summer when your male counterparts can walk around shirtless or your tank top strap is 2" wide.

I was a tomboy. Anyone who knew me between the ages of 8-12 knew that I wore my male cousin's hand-me-downs. I was more comfortable in the shorts found in the boys section & shirts that I could swim in. It was a battle for me to find church clothes, because I didn't like dresses or skirts (jeans were not allowed). I didn't wear those because I was trying to be modest, it was because I didn't want anyone to see my body.

I never felt comfortable wearing "sexy" clothes. Some Saturday nights, I went to a dance club in 7th grade, called 141 (don't ask-- and if any of my Middle School classmates read this remember this club, yes I am talking about THAT one). Somehow I convinced my father that going "clubbing" on a Saturday night when I was 13/14 was necessary for my well-being. Here's the deal. The only thing sexy about what I wore, was the eye glitter from hot topic. I remember specifically an outfit I wore once, and it was kids gap linen shorts & and earth-tone spaghetti strap. Better yet, one time this club had a foam party. All my friends wore bikinis (creeps me out now). I didn't get that memo, so I wore my favorite speedo one piece. TOTALLY HOT-- not. I felt out of place. Due to the fact I was late to the puberty party all my friends were at, I didn't have a whole lot to show.

When I finally started shopping for summer clothes in the girls section, my legs had decided to grow 3" longer in one year. My single dad and I finally figured out the juniors shorts sizing system (a battle all its own) and I bought shorts that fit me. And they were cute, or so I thought.

Yes. Those were THE shorts I bought with my dad. And you know what at the time, I didn't think anything of the length. I finally was feeling confident enough to wear shorts that weren't worn by boys who rode skate boards. But, at church camp -- it was against the rules & my grandma hated them. My poor camp counselor had to deal with my bad attitude. I thought it was hysterical how many people hated those shorts. But I was growing into my legs & confidence in my slowly changing body. The only message I got was, cover yourself.

The more I was told to cover myself, the more uncomfortable I was with wearing clothes that fit properly. I wore jeans that were a few sizes too big and was allergic to belts (seriously, I am allergic to nickel) , so I rolled them up (the saddest day ever was when I finally grew into those jeans). It took me a long time of being around friends who wore bikinis before I ever felt confident enough to wear one. Of course, the first time I wore one it was borrowed & of course my grandma was mortified. She talked about modesty, and wearing a one-piece, and how inappropriate it was to wear a bikini.

Meet my grandparents. See the lady with the amazing leg muscles, rock hard abs -- that's my dad's mom! Look what my grandma is wearing! Ok, my point of posting this picture isn't to call her a hypocrite, but its to point out the fact that she was confidently wearing that bathing suit. What I find awesome about this picture is that both my grandparents are wearing bikinis! Hah. Yes, I have a speedo wearing Italian grandpa. 

Right now, I am a twenty-six year old who, for the most part, dresses classy/sporty/trendy. I don't label my style as modest by any means. I would label it as confident. My biggest issue with this whole message of modesty is that we fall short at building up confidence. How can we expect our girls to feel good about body image if we keep telling them to hide it?

For me, when I feel insecure I wear things that would get the most attention in the wrong ways. When I feel confident, I am less likely to be swayed by what the world calls sexy and stick to what makes me, me. Confidence leads to modesty. If girls can become more confident in themselves, we wont look for attention by having what we think others want to see on display.

Stop telling girls to cover their body, when you haven't told them to cover their heart & mind. I feel like we can not separate the symptom of immodesty from the heart issue. We need Jesus. We need to place our confidence and worth in him. We need women to start building proper self-esteem & encouraging our little sisters to dress with confidence. Simply covering up will not make modesty happen.

What I needed to hear when I felt like the attack was only on my clothes:

• You are enough. Proverbs 31:1
• Your insecurities are valid. 
• You are called to be confident. Esther
• Your worth is not based on appearance.
• It's not about the clothes.
• You are a role model. 
• You are not alone. Isaiah 43:1-3

I was running for student council re-election for my senior year of high school. I was running against an adequately popular guy. Being on student council was fun and the only time you had to speak publicly was at the election assembly & before a meal at a dance. I was totally nervous about not winning this race. As I sat in one of my science classes, one of my male classmates said I should wear a skirt for my election speech. In the back of my head I knew I didn't own any kind of skirt he was referencing to, so I made a special trip to the mall to purchase a new mini skirt. Again, if any of my former classmates read this, yes - I am talking about the time when Ashley wore a mini skirt and spaghetti strap with a denim jacket up on stage. Needless to say, administration was shocked. I had been campaigning all year to get a bible club in our public school, and now here I am indecently dressed in front of a captive audience. I didn't win the election, and I probably lost respect, but what I did hear from my principal was he couldn't believe that I was the same girl trying to start a bible club.

I needed to hear that I was a role model. I needed to hear I was meant to be confident, that my worth in that election wasn't based on appearance. I needed to hear that my God made me. I needed to hear that it's ok to have insecurities. I needed to hear that Esther had to be confident in order to do what was right. I needed Jesus.

Let me say that I don't have this all figured out. My opinion is just an opinion. I respect the message others want to get out by placing emphasis on modesty. But if working with students has taught me anything, the more we focus on the behavior, the less they feel we are interested in their heart.

My challenge to myself, don't hate the word modesty. Also find ways to help build confidence in my friends and little sisters that results in a change of heart that results in a want to dress modest.

LISTS // MAKE

I stumbled upon this lovely blog of Moorea Seal and I am quite inspired. I have been blogging mostly about food and smoothies.  Someone asked me if I had a cooking blog, to which I laughed and informed them I'm no Julia Child. I am just a not-so-simple twenty-something that thinks she can blog. There is this project I am going to jump on, called 52 Lists. I am so 13-weeks late to this party.

Lots of these things are/will be ongoing projects & non-tangible things I want to make. I can't physically make time, but I can realign my priorities. Last week I listened to a podcast (03.24.13) that challenged me to regain balance in my life. I am blessed to know Rachel and call her friend and mentor. When I listen to her teach, I feel I am back in college just gleaning from her wisdom in her office. If you live in the Dallas area, you have to visit Life in Deep Ellum.

The irony in this lesson, I was multitasking while listening. I was working on something, taking notes & listening. I am the queen of busy. Ever since I can remember, I have been a habitual busy. Out of habit, I volunteered my life through high school. I worked church nursery, camps, weekend jobs, babysitting and student government. Think Ren Stevens meets babysitters club. College was just a faster paced version. At one point, I juggled a part-time design job off campus, yearbook staff, on campus office assistant (to this friend), paid childcare & babysitting (all while maintaining a decent gpa,  waking up at wee hours to run/workout, and running on adrenaline). So busy is normal. We are told that God wants us to push towards the goal, run the race. 

Rachel said that in her message. God will call you to run, but He doesn't always call you to run. He has a history of telling us to be still. Of course, the Psalm that comes to mind is Be still and know that I am your God (Psalms 46:10).  We also know our God is the God that made the sea. He made the tasmanian devil. He can still the waters (Psalms 107:29) . He can calm storms. I am pretty sure He can make me be still. One time, he sent me a sprained ankle at church camp to make me be still. Other times, he usually sends some other unconventional way. I mean, the guy used the jawbone of an ass to get a message out (Judges 15:16)-- He has a sense of humor.  

In case you don't do yourself a big one and listen to her message Theology of Work, here are a few things that I pulled from this lesson:

• Life will have seasons, but we can create our own rhythms.
• Make intentional decisions, that creates rhythms in our life.
•  My identity can't be tied to seasons in my life. It has to tie us to the bigger picture, not to the struggles.
•  God is not more pleased with your work than your rest & honoring of God. Life is meant to include rest.

To be honest, I am a learning wife. I am learning to balance husband, house, friendships, work & church. In my oh so many months of marriage, I can't deny that when I cook dinner, clean up the kitchen, have laundry started, clear off the bathroom counter of all things hair/makeup/face, make the bed and make the house a well decorated home, my husband feels like I value us. He values me being balanced. I could easily focus on everything but our home (work, friends, ministry, etc) because sometimes its more fun to strengthen friendships than to get the laundry out of the dryer (still working on that one). Even though we are only 4 meals into me cooking at home, having his lunch ready and agreeing to us not eating out -- I feel balanced. 

I'M A TERRIBLE PERSON

There are times in life where you don't have any control over any part of a situation. The only thing you have control over is your attitude & the inner voice you will listen to. 

Within the past week or so the lie I'm falling for says, I'm a terrible person. It's a phrase I say after I say something ugly & admit I'm saying something mean. Sometimes, I'll say something cynical or a bit aggressive/blunt/honest/hurtful with my group of friends and immediately I admit I'm a terrible person. 

I didn't cook dinner for the husband, I'm a terrible person.

I didn't return an email fast enough, I'm a terrible person. 

I haven't been working out as much as I say I want to, I'm a terrible person. 

I haven't been praying or spending time in the bible, I'm a terrible person. 

I said something hurtful to someone, I'm a terrible person. 

My husband and close friends know I am not a crier. I don't just outright cry when I am feeling hurt or emotional. Catch me on a day when I am tired/stressed/irritated/at my threshold of tolerance, I breakdown. Now, the conundrum in this - I cry watching movies. Its more of a teary eyed sniffle. 

It was Wednesday of last week that we got back from our vacation that I'm a terrible person statement hit me hard. So much so I just sobbed with my husband long enough to have a headache the next day. One little insecurity triggered the avalanche of emotions I kept at bay. We have had a rough couple of months when it comes to emotions.

In February we found out we were pregnant with our first baby. We were trying, so excited and amazed that on our first try we got it! Of course I was way too excited to keep my mouth shut. I tried my hardest to not blurt it out. We were only 6 weeks along & I am 26 and healthy. We posted an announcement on facebook and within an hour I started to bleed. I called my nurse friend and asked if I should be worried because it wasn't just spotting. Before the end of the evening I found myself in the Emergency Room, frustrated, hurt, sad, anxious & mostly heart broken. It was in the ER where I went from sobbing to peace. The Lord met me right there with his peace. I clung to knowing that God is in Control. It was an unbelievable peace, even as I went home empty, that fell on me. I found myself unable to voice what I was feeling to my husband, so I hid my sobs in the shower so he would think I was strong. Im thankful for my friend Dani who was with me for the bulk of it. We laughed and cried in the ER together (husband was playing at a church service). She later told me on her drive home she cried uncontrollably for me. Funny part: as Dani and I were in the ER, the Ultrasound Tech asked if we were sisters... Dani said we were friends that had lived together until we got married.. not to each other.. to separate but similar husbands. We found some humor in the ER. 

At first, I was so mad at myself for posting on facebook. I'm a terrible person for posting that. I should've waited..ughh..  I had to sit on my hands for 3 days before I could bring myself to take down the post and deliver the bad news. I prayed for God to give me the wisdom in the whole delivering bad news to social media thing. I posted a verse and said we had lost our first and once I did, it was as if a whole new community emerged. Family, Friends, acquaintances started just overwhelming me with support, love & encouragement. Some people who I admired from afar contacted me and encouraged me. 

I'm a terrible person still lurked in my mind. I know it wasn't my fault we lost the baby, but as a woman I can't help but feel like it was.

The rest of February through beginning of March blurred on. We grieved, had peace and kept moving forward. We enjoyed another month of being newlyweds, in the full capacity of that term. So when I found out I was pregnant AGAIN just 1 month after the first loss, my heart sank & anxiety came on strong. I texted my closest friends for prayer and just tried to give it up. In my heart I felt like this one would be different. No matter the prayers, I started bleeding again. This time I was plain frustrated & angry. I went to my ob and we had lost this one. In my mind I couldn't get rid of the thought I'm a terrible person.  I pushed back any grieving for this vacation,  I didn't want my friends to treat me any differently, tenderly or even nurse me. I wanted to enjoy it at full capacity. Reality came harsh when we got back. 

I'm a terrible person  was all I could sob to my husband. I'm a terrible designer, wife, photographer, woman, person, daughter... I love my husband. He so gently whispered, It's not your fault. I feel like that was the Father speaking through him. I felt like everything that was happening was my fault, was consequences for previous sins. It took my husband praying over me and a good night's sleep to clearly see what was happening. I turned the I'm a terrible person  into my truth. Crazy thing is, I know better than that. I know I am not a terrible person. I know God's truth.

This is a forever long post. There are so many details I left off. One thing I can't leave off is the fact God's timing is perfect. In both moments of fear, grief & loss - God had one of my mentors reach out to me at the right time. You know that timing. I am thankful for those ladies who talked me through the hard stuff. So many friends loved on me, thank you. If you are reading this, you know who you are. 

Besides my faith in God, amazing friends, a few things that encouraged me through both times:

Casey Weigand Blog

Glory Baby Song 

God is in Control Song 

What has been encouraging me today...