UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE

As a newish blogger, I know it's probably social media suicide to take a break so early in the launch. I will begin to post a bit more these next few weeks. I will try try try to reclaim Matron Mondays, Wednesday's Lists & at least one personal post a week.

I have started this post and deleted it many times. I guess it's because I didn't know how to come back after an extended hiatus. What does one say? I know what this one would say. Life has been busy, hard, interesting, fun & above all changing! Here's the biggest change to report today.

I have been working at May Designs for about 3 weeks now!

After 3 years at my last job, I felt like now is as good a time as any to chase crazy & fun dreams. If you had asked me a few months back if I thought I'd be where I am today, I would've said I don't know. Here's the deal. I love social media. Yay for finding fun jobs like this on instagram. I am now a designer with the most creative & fun girls in Houston! 

TUESDAY'S STORY // GRANDPA RAMBO

Last week, I took a break from this new blog. It was on Friday, April 20 that I got an urgent text message that led to a frantic phone call about my 87 year old grandpa. I got on the first plane out of Houston to get up to Connecticut to see this guy. You see, this guy is one of a kind. We call him Grandpa Ray "Rambo". It was unexpected. I already had my plane tickets booked to go up Mother's Day weekend, but I forget we are not guaranteed time. 

I make no apologies for sharing this picture. My grandparents have been married 63 years. In those 63 years of marriage, they had 3 children, 6 grandchildren + 1 great grandchild. They have seen 4 grandchildren married. Breast Cancer nor Parkinsons Disease could separate these two. As soon as my flight landed, I went straight to bed + braced myself for a hard day.

My grandpa had been in a rehabilitation hospital for a month or so and suffered a heart attack. They revived him, only to keep him breathing on an artificial lung + absolutely unresponsive. As a family we had to make the hardest decision. This photograph will always be a reminder of what love looks like at the end. Moments after pulling life support, my sweet and faith-filled grandma went to his side and said " I love you Raymond". My grandmother, as strong in her faith as she is in her will, said that even when he was laying in bed of the rehabilitation, unable to move his arms, he would look at her and whisper "I love you".  

For me, the hardest part of this whole weekend was seeing him on life-support and non-responsive. As the first to arrive on Saturday morning, I had a few moments with him. As I looked at my grandpa, I knew that it wasn't long until he could be with the Lord. I cried. I couldn't stay around watching him breathe his last breaths. I didn't want to remember the man who laid before me. I wanted to remember Grandpa Rambo.

I wanted to remember summers at his pool. He would showoff for all us grandkids with his acrobatics and strength. He was well into his 60s and had the stamina of a 20 year old. He taught most of us how to swim. He saved one of us from drowning. He would let us use his snorkel, even when he really didn't want to. He loved his speedos, tanning & summer. He loved his grandkids. My cousin said it perfectly at the funeral, "He wasn't just our grandpa, he was our life." 

I wanted to remember all the times he'd let me sit with him in his chair from the time I was small, until I was taller than him. He would read to me, we would share oreos, we would nap there, he would teach me how to fix a watch. Most of all, he was a man who would share his time with any of his grandkids. 

I wanted to remember his love of laughter + humor. He loved to make people laugh. He used humor to deflect the most awkward moments, even when they were at his expense. About 10 years ago, he was diagnosed with Parkinsons disease. If you know anything about Parkinsons, you know it is a debilitating disease that affects motor skills. The grandpa who used to do handstands could barely walk without falling 20 times a day. No matter how many times he fell (or lost fingers), he would always look at us and smile and make a wise remark. 

I wanted to remember moments like these.

His love for life, outdoors and his family was what I will cherish. Since moving to Texas, most people don't understand where my love for outdoorsman/country living comes from. It comes from this guy. It comes from the man who taught me to shoot a bow and arrow. He trusted me enough to shoot at the target that faced the busy street. I still have no idea how I never hit a car with the lack of skills I had. 

When I watched an 87 year old man breathing his last few hours alive, I didn't look at him with sadness because he was going to die. I looked at him with sadness that not enough people got a chance to get to know him. I will tell stories of this man to my kids. They will hear legendary stories of their great-grandfather. They will hear of the time their great grandad, Rambo, pulled two teenagers out of a burning car. They will hear of the time he won Archery trophies at Sikorsky Aircraft. They will hear of the wild times he had hunting & deep frying his wild turkey, while his wife had a butterball baking in the oven "just in case". There are many pieces of mementos that I will take from his workshop & life. Besides the great memories, I will have a buck hanging in my apartment. Back around the time of my wedding, I got on the phone with my grandma and asked to speak with grandpa. I said, grandpa.. for my wedding, can I please please please have your buck head thats hanging in the family room?. Of course he told me yes.  Of course my grandma thought I was crazy + and silly for that request. Instead of the man I saw on life support, I will look at the deer head and think of Grandpa Rambo, out with his bow and his homemade slugs to catch my buck! 

LISTS // MAKE

I stumbled upon this lovely blog of Moorea Seal and I am quite inspired. I have been blogging mostly about food and smoothies.  Someone asked me if I had a cooking blog, to which I laughed and informed them I'm no Julia Child. I am just a not-so-simple twenty-something that thinks she can blog. There is this project I am going to jump on, called 52 Lists. I am so 13-weeks late to this party.

Lots of these things are/will be ongoing projects & non-tangible things I want to make. I can't physically make time, but I can realign my priorities. Last week I listened to a podcast (03.24.13) that challenged me to regain balance in my life. I am blessed to know Rachel and call her friend and mentor. When I listen to her teach, I feel I am back in college just gleaning from her wisdom in her office. If you live in the Dallas area, you have to visit Life in Deep Ellum.

The irony in this lesson, I was multitasking while listening. I was working on something, taking notes & listening. I am the queen of busy. Ever since I can remember, I have been a habitual busy. Out of habit, I volunteered my life through high school. I worked church nursery, camps, weekend jobs, babysitting and student government. Think Ren Stevens meets babysitters club. College was just a faster paced version. At one point, I juggled a part-time design job off campus, yearbook staff, on campus office assistant (to this friend), paid childcare & babysitting (all while maintaining a decent gpa,  waking up at wee hours to run/workout, and running on adrenaline). So busy is normal. We are told that God wants us to push towards the goal, run the race. 

Rachel said that in her message. God will call you to run, but He doesn't always call you to run. He has a history of telling us to be still. Of course, the Psalm that comes to mind is Be still and know that I am your God (Psalms 46:10).  We also know our God is the God that made the sea. He made the tasmanian devil. He can still the waters (Psalms 107:29) . He can calm storms. I am pretty sure He can make me be still. One time, he sent me a sprained ankle at church camp to make me be still. Other times, he usually sends some other unconventional way. I mean, the guy used the jawbone of an ass to get a message out (Judges 15:16)-- He has a sense of humor.  

In case you don't do yourself a big one and listen to her message Theology of Work, here are a few things that I pulled from this lesson:

• Life will have seasons, but we can create our own rhythms.
• Make intentional decisions, that creates rhythms in our life.
•  My identity can't be tied to seasons in my life. It has to tie us to the bigger picture, not to the struggles.
•  God is not more pleased with your work than your rest & honoring of God. Life is meant to include rest.

To be honest, I am a learning wife. I am learning to balance husband, house, friendships, work & church. In my oh so many months of marriage, I can't deny that when I cook dinner, clean up the kitchen, have laundry started, clear off the bathroom counter of all things hair/makeup/face, make the bed and make the house a well decorated home, my husband feels like I value us. He values me being balanced. I could easily focus on everything but our home (work, friends, ministry, etc) because sometimes its more fun to strengthen friendships than to get the laundry out of the dryer (still working on that one). Even though we are only 4 meals into me cooking at home, having his lunch ready and agreeing to us not eating out -- I feel balanced. 

5 MONTHS

I just realized today marks 5-months of marriage for Jimmy and I. We are still quite the newlyweds. Every Easter I am reminded again how quickly life changes. In 2010, the day after Easter, I packed up and moved from Connecticut to Texas. Someone wise told me that all the single guys are in Texas, not Connecticut. Of course I brushed that off and said, yeah right. Its crazy to think that within 3-years, my life could be permanently changed, for the best.

In honor of the beauty of 5-months of marriage, here are 5 things I love about being married to Jimmy:

1. He will humor me // I love the outdoors. So renting ATV's in Wassatch Mountains in Midway, Utah was one of those things I wanted to do badly on our honeymoon. This is one my of my favorite moments from our Honeymoon to Park City, Utah. At some point I will blog all about our adventures to Utah & Yellowstone/Tetons. 

2. He will Bake with me // He was a trooper and helped with a lot of Christmas Cookies. Even if I don't let him help too much, he's ok with my love language of quality time. I just like it when he's next to me. We don't even have to talk and I love it! 

3. He lets me choose the movies // Before we got married, he didn't know he was marrying a closet musical junkie. When we were on our honeymoon, driving through the Grand Tetons, I played the soundtrack of The Sound of Music. Of course I know all the words, scenes and facial expressions to the soundtrack, he had never seen it. So of course, the first cold damp night I whipped up a batch of tortellini soup & we watched The Sound of Music. 

4. He will be crafty with me // For Valentines Day, I didn't want a gift that could be wrapped. I wanted to finally finish decorating our apartment and hang up the deer head in the living room. So my amazing man installed a dimmer switch, switched out our lighting, hired a handyman to hang our pot rack, and got our friend to help nail up our wood boards. One of my favorite nights. I loved doing this with him. 

5. He loves adventures // What other guy will be ok with waking up at 5am for a surprise day trip? My guy was! I woke him up really early one Saturday morning, planned a mini-adventure & had packed his backpack for him (complete with designated attire & change of clothes). I loved the excitement I had in planning our adventure out to Austin. We went to Pedernales Falls & then rented bikes to travel through the city of Austin. Again, he humored me and was ok with going granola. I will say, Austin by bike is something we'll do more often. It was probably my favorite days with him! It was active, healthy & most of all, together!! 

RANCH TRIP

Spring Break is this theoretical break that happens every spring. Unless you are in school, Spring Break is no longer real. So our Spring Vacation, that happened to fall during Spring Break, was out to a ranch in West Texas. The town is called Barkley, Texas. Never heard of? How about Camp Wood, TX... Uvalde, TX? It's a small deer lease/ranch town about 2 hours west of San Antonio. There were 16 of us total in this group of all ages. Figure 2 Ranch has been a family ranch to close friend's of ours. There is about 900 acres and it sits on the Neuces River (due to the drought, its a bit low). 

On our way out of Uvalde, an hour or so from the Ranch, we stopped at the only Wal-Mart for 100's of miles I am sure. Once we got into Camp Wood, there was a Git-N-Go, a burger shack & deer feed. As a born and raised New Englander, Texas leaves me feeling really hot, humid & flat! Living in the Houston region below sea-level, the only elevation will be manmade overpasses. 

So as soon as we got past Camp Wood, out of no where mountains pop up. They're no Grand Teton, nor are they the Appalachians, but they were magnificent. I was really excited to see any change of elevation. Then all of a sudden you see these random ranches popping up. 

A few look small, lived in year-round, then there are others. There was this rather extensive ranch called Los Palmas. I wish I had taken a picture of it. It had large white cement walls, with broken glass on the top. My assumption, since we were only an hour or so from the Mexican border, was it was some vacation home of Mexican royalty. I convinced myself it must be the Mexican version of Downton Abbey. 

The next ranch we came upon, was my favorite. Exotic wild game! The first animals I saw were the giraffes! I pulled over and snapped pictures of someone's pet giraffe. Only in West Texas would I ever even see Giraffes not in the zoo. 

The week was relaxing. I went for a run one morning and came upon a pack of wild hogs by the river. Needless to say, I turned around and my pace quickened. So many fun memories. My favorite was the fact I got to completely unplug. No phone, unless you go to one specific spot on the ranch, away from the house, almost up their mountain. The family and friends we spent the weekend with are amazing. 

In conclusion, I would totally move out there and live my entire life there. I would just need them to improve the store situations, wifi accessibility, civilization errr.. ok, vacations at the ranch are best! 

THE DAY I WATCHED HOARDERS FOR 4 HOURS

I am the opposite of simple. I am creative, I am impulsive, I am random & sometimes I don't care that I am wearing running clothes to work the day after I wore a dress (cough- today). I am not a purse lady, nor am a I shoe lady, I am a clothes horse. I love clothes. I love layers. I love outfits.

A while back I found myself lost in the television show about messy people. At the time I had a messy apartment begging to be organized and directed into order, I needed motivation. When I watch Biggest Loser, I suddenly have this hankering to get on the treadmill. If I watch Chopped, I want to make a five-course meal with the scariest ingredients. Surely, watching Hoarders would inspire me to clean and not drag my feet anymore? 

One episode of Hoarders  is enough to make anyone want to bathe your home in bleach. It wasn't until I was 4 hours into Hoarders that I realized I couldn't stop watching and paranoid. I texted my husband that we need to start throwing stuff away. We are on the cusp of being hoarders. All the guitar picks, boxes of receipts, scrapbook papers and clothing were overwhelming me and I felt like our stuff was reaching the ceiling. Of course we are not anywhere near hoarder status. I take great joy in disposing of garbage and excessive stuff.

After watching Hoarders, we did do a spring cleaning. Phew! Safe! I am not a hoarder! 

Since spring cleaning is happening, im obsessed with:

Cleaning | Meyers Clean Day!

Organizing | Container Store Freezer Baskets (Please note, our fridge generally is stocked with mostly produce, but this was during my husband's juicing)

I'M A TERRIBLE PERSON

There are times in life where you don't have any control over any part of a situation. The only thing you have control over is your attitude & the inner voice you will listen to. 

Within the past week or so the lie I'm falling for says, I'm a terrible person. It's a phrase I say after I say something ugly & admit I'm saying something mean. Sometimes, I'll say something cynical or a bit aggressive/blunt/honest/hurtful with my group of friends and immediately I admit I'm a terrible person. 

I didn't cook dinner for the husband, I'm a terrible person.

I didn't return an email fast enough, I'm a terrible person. 

I haven't been working out as much as I say I want to, I'm a terrible person. 

I haven't been praying or spending time in the bible, I'm a terrible person. 

I said something hurtful to someone, I'm a terrible person. 

My husband and close friends know I am not a crier. I don't just outright cry when I am feeling hurt or emotional. Catch me on a day when I am tired/stressed/irritated/at my threshold of tolerance, I breakdown. Now, the conundrum in this - I cry watching movies. Its more of a teary eyed sniffle. 

It was Wednesday of last week that we got back from our vacation that I'm a terrible person statement hit me hard. So much so I just sobbed with my husband long enough to have a headache the next day. One little insecurity triggered the avalanche of emotions I kept at bay. We have had a rough couple of months when it comes to emotions.

In February we found out we were pregnant with our first baby. We were trying, so excited and amazed that on our first try we got it! Of course I was way too excited to keep my mouth shut. I tried my hardest to not blurt it out. We were only 6 weeks along & I am 26 and healthy. We posted an announcement on facebook and within an hour I started to bleed. I called my nurse friend and asked if I should be worried because it wasn't just spotting. Before the end of the evening I found myself in the Emergency Room, frustrated, hurt, sad, anxious & mostly heart broken. It was in the ER where I went from sobbing to peace. The Lord met me right there with his peace. I clung to knowing that God is in Control. It was an unbelievable peace, even as I went home empty, that fell on me. I found myself unable to voice what I was feeling to my husband, so I hid my sobs in the shower so he would think I was strong. Im thankful for my friend Dani who was with me for the bulk of it. We laughed and cried in the ER together (husband was playing at a church service). She later told me on her drive home she cried uncontrollably for me. Funny part: as Dani and I were in the ER, the Ultrasound Tech asked if we were sisters... Dani said we were friends that had lived together until we got married.. not to each other.. to separate but similar husbands. We found some humor in the ER. 

At first, I was so mad at myself for posting on facebook. I'm a terrible person for posting that. I should've waited..ughh..  I had to sit on my hands for 3 days before I could bring myself to take down the post and deliver the bad news. I prayed for God to give me the wisdom in the whole delivering bad news to social media thing. I posted a verse and said we had lost our first and once I did, it was as if a whole new community emerged. Family, Friends, acquaintances started just overwhelming me with support, love & encouragement. Some people who I admired from afar contacted me and encouraged me. 

I'm a terrible person still lurked in my mind. I know it wasn't my fault we lost the baby, but as a woman I can't help but feel like it was.

The rest of February through beginning of March blurred on. We grieved, had peace and kept moving forward. We enjoyed another month of being newlyweds, in the full capacity of that term. So when I found out I was pregnant AGAIN just 1 month after the first loss, my heart sank & anxiety came on strong. I texted my closest friends for prayer and just tried to give it up. In my heart I felt like this one would be different. No matter the prayers, I started bleeding again. This time I was plain frustrated & angry. I went to my ob and we had lost this one. In my mind I couldn't get rid of the thought I'm a terrible person.  I pushed back any grieving for this vacation,  I didn't want my friends to treat me any differently, tenderly or even nurse me. I wanted to enjoy it at full capacity. Reality came harsh when we got back. 

I'm a terrible person  was all I could sob to my husband. I'm a terrible designer, wife, photographer, woman, person, daughter... I love my husband. He so gently whispered, It's not your fault. I feel like that was the Father speaking through him. I felt like everything that was happening was my fault, was consequences for previous sins. It took my husband praying over me and a good night's sleep to clearly see what was happening. I turned the I'm a terrible person  into my truth. Crazy thing is, I know better than that. I know I am not a terrible person. I know God's truth.

This is a forever long post. There are so many details I left off. One thing I can't leave off is the fact God's timing is perfect. In both moments of fear, grief & loss - God had one of my mentors reach out to me at the right time. You know that timing. I am thankful for those ladies who talked me through the hard stuff. So many friends loved on me, thank you. If you are reading this, you know who you are. 

Besides my faith in God, amazing friends, a few things that encouraged me through both times:

Casey Weigand Blog

Glory Baby Song 

God is in Control Song 

What has been encouraging me today...