RANCH TRIP

Spring Break is this theoretical break that happens every spring. Unless you are in school, Spring Break is no longer real. So our Spring Vacation, that happened to fall during Spring Break, was out to a ranch in West Texas. The town is called Barkley, Texas. Never heard of? How about Camp Wood, TX... Uvalde, TX? It's a small deer lease/ranch town about 2 hours west of San Antonio. There were 16 of us total in this group of all ages. Figure 2 Ranch has been a family ranch to close friend's of ours. There is about 900 acres and it sits on the Neuces River (due to the drought, its a bit low). 

On our way out of Uvalde, an hour or so from the Ranch, we stopped at the only Wal-Mart for 100's of miles I am sure. Once we got into Camp Wood, there was a Git-N-Go, a burger shack & deer feed. As a born and raised New Englander, Texas leaves me feeling really hot, humid & flat! Living in the Houston region below sea-level, the only elevation will be manmade overpasses. 

So as soon as we got past Camp Wood, out of no where mountains pop up. They're no Grand Teton, nor are they the Appalachians, but they were magnificent. I was really excited to see any change of elevation. Then all of a sudden you see these random ranches popping up. 

A few look small, lived in year-round, then there are others. There was this rather extensive ranch called Los Palmas. I wish I had taken a picture of it. It had large white cement walls, with broken glass on the top. My assumption, since we were only an hour or so from the Mexican border, was it was some vacation home of Mexican royalty. I convinced myself it must be the Mexican version of Downton Abbey. 

The next ranch we came upon, was my favorite. Exotic wild game! The first animals I saw were the giraffes! I pulled over and snapped pictures of someone's pet giraffe. Only in West Texas would I ever even see Giraffes not in the zoo. 

The week was relaxing. I went for a run one morning and came upon a pack of wild hogs by the river. Needless to say, I turned around and my pace quickened. So many fun memories. My favorite was the fact I got to completely unplug. No phone, unless you go to one specific spot on the ranch, away from the house, almost up their mountain. The family and friends we spent the weekend with are amazing. 

In conclusion, I would totally move out there and live my entire life there. I would just need them to improve the store situations, wifi accessibility, civilization errr.. ok, vacations at the ranch are best! 

SMOOTHIE LIFE

I am obsessed with smoothies. More or less, I am obsessed with healthy. I am no nutritionist (I barely made a B in my College Nutrition class because it required more science that I can handle) but I know what is healthy. Leafy greens, unprocessed foods, non-gmo produce and organic dairy are a few things I consider part of a healthy balance. I have dabbled in Veganism, was a vegetarian for many years (another post later as to why I became a vegetarian), and have seen forks over knives. Here is where I stand on the whole healthy eating/living:

If I have a choice between premixed shake powders or fresh produce smoothies... I will ALWAYS choose fresh produce. I have many friends who swear by "shakes" (my husband is an avid protein shaker cup guy), but I know I feel healthy when I am living the smoothie life. 

Starting in April, I will do the 30-day Simple Green Smoothie Challenge. I am excited for all the new recipes and of course the instagram community that is super encouraging. I no longer feel bad that I instagram my smoothies. Please unfollow me. I no longer take it personal when people unfollow me on instagram (I used to feel a twinge of pain when its friends I know, I always give the excuse they deactivated their account-hah!) For those of you that like my smoothies, brace yourselves. 30-days of smoothies will begin April 1st! 

Why do I love smoothies? Partly because I can't stand the thought of eating a leafy green salad everyday of my life. I ate soo many salads for 5 years of my life that I no longer even entertain salads as an option most meals. The only salads I crave are greek salads from Zoes Kitchen or Panera (if I'm desperate) or a Chipotle salad where I use tortilla chips as the utensil to get the salad in my belly. I love love vegetables though! My favorite vegetable are Brussel Sprouts. Mostly, it's laziness. I am way too lazy to make a salad everyday. Making a spinach based smoothie is so easy! 

How do I feel when I smoothie for breakfast? I feel energized. I feel healthy. I feel good about my choice. I feel like I am using my money wisely on food. I feel like I don't waste produce when I do smoothies. We mix it up sometimes and juice, and that right there is so not sustainable everyday. I have to allow like 40 minutes extra in the am for juicing, as opposed to 15 minutes for the smoothie clean up. 

Here's how I smoothie:

Blender - Ninja Master Prep Professional

I couldn't be more obsessed with this blender. I love that i have the food processor option and blender bowl. Though its one-speed, I feel like its a non-issue. Clean up is EASY! The blade comes out and everything stacks neatly together. I live in an apartment and kitchen storage is always tight. I didn't want an on counter blender. This thing blends like a champ.

Mason Jar - Container Store

Straws - Ikea 

Cutting Board - The Obsessive Chef 

1. Spinach Banana Walnut | 2. Non-GMO Carrots from friend's garden | 3. Citrus-Blast Carrot Smoothie | 4. Mango-Banana Spinach

THE DAY I WATCHED HOARDERS FOR 4 HOURS

I am the opposite of simple. I am creative, I am impulsive, I am random & sometimes I don't care that I am wearing running clothes to work the day after I wore a dress (cough- today). I am not a purse lady, nor am a I shoe lady, I am a clothes horse. I love clothes. I love layers. I love outfits.

A while back I found myself lost in the television show about messy people. At the time I had a messy apartment begging to be organized and directed into order, I needed motivation. When I watch Biggest Loser, I suddenly have this hankering to get on the treadmill. If I watch Chopped, I want to make a five-course meal with the scariest ingredients. Surely, watching Hoarders would inspire me to clean and not drag my feet anymore? 

One episode of Hoarders  is enough to make anyone want to bathe your home in bleach. It wasn't until I was 4 hours into Hoarders that I realized I couldn't stop watching and paranoid. I texted my husband that we need to start throwing stuff away. We are on the cusp of being hoarders. All the guitar picks, boxes of receipts, scrapbook papers and clothing were overwhelming me and I felt like our stuff was reaching the ceiling. Of course we are not anywhere near hoarder status. I take great joy in disposing of garbage and excessive stuff.

After watching Hoarders, we did do a spring cleaning. Phew! Safe! I am not a hoarder! 

Since spring cleaning is happening, im obsessed with:

Cleaning | Meyers Clean Day!

Organizing | Container Store Freezer Baskets (Please note, our fridge generally is stocked with mostly produce, but this was during my husband's juicing)

I'M A TERRIBLE PERSON

There are times in life where you don't have any control over any part of a situation. The only thing you have control over is your attitude & the inner voice you will listen to. 

Within the past week or so the lie I'm falling for says, I'm a terrible person. It's a phrase I say after I say something ugly & admit I'm saying something mean. Sometimes, I'll say something cynical or a bit aggressive/blunt/honest/hurtful with my group of friends and immediately I admit I'm a terrible person. 

I didn't cook dinner for the husband, I'm a terrible person.

I didn't return an email fast enough, I'm a terrible person. 

I haven't been working out as much as I say I want to, I'm a terrible person. 

I haven't been praying or spending time in the bible, I'm a terrible person. 

I said something hurtful to someone, I'm a terrible person. 

My husband and close friends know I am not a crier. I don't just outright cry when I am feeling hurt or emotional. Catch me on a day when I am tired/stressed/irritated/at my threshold of tolerance, I breakdown. Now, the conundrum in this - I cry watching movies. Its more of a teary eyed sniffle. 

It was Wednesday of last week that we got back from our vacation that I'm a terrible person statement hit me hard. So much so I just sobbed with my husband long enough to have a headache the next day. One little insecurity triggered the avalanche of emotions I kept at bay. We have had a rough couple of months when it comes to emotions.

In February we found out we were pregnant with our first baby. We were trying, so excited and amazed that on our first try we got it! Of course I was way too excited to keep my mouth shut. I tried my hardest to not blurt it out. We were only 6 weeks along & I am 26 and healthy. We posted an announcement on facebook and within an hour I started to bleed. I called my nurse friend and asked if I should be worried because it wasn't just spotting. Before the end of the evening I found myself in the Emergency Room, frustrated, hurt, sad, anxious & mostly heart broken. It was in the ER where I went from sobbing to peace. The Lord met me right there with his peace. I clung to knowing that God is in Control. It was an unbelievable peace, even as I went home empty, that fell on me. I found myself unable to voice what I was feeling to my husband, so I hid my sobs in the shower so he would think I was strong. Im thankful for my friend Dani who was with me for the bulk of it. We laughed and cried in the ER together (husband was playing at a church service). She later told me on her drive home she cried uncontrollably for me. Funny part: as Dani and I were in the ER, the Ultrasound Tech asked if we were sisters... Dani said we were friends that had lived together until we got married.. not to each other.. to separate but similar husbands. We found some humor in the ER. 

At first, I was so mad at myself for posting on facebook. I'm a terrible person for posting that. I should've waited..ughh..  I had to sit on my hands for 3 days before I could bring myself to take down the post and deliver the bad news. I prayed for God to give me the wisdom in the whole delivering bad news to social media thing. I posted a verse and said we had lost our first and once I did, it was as if a whole new community emerged. Family, Friends, acquaintances started just overwhelming me with support, love & encouragement. Some people who I admired from afar contacted me and encouraged me. 

I'm a terrible person still lurked in my mind. I know it wasn't my fault we lost the baby, but as a woman I can't help but feel like it was.

The rest of February through beginning of March blurred on. We grieved, had peace and kept moving forward. We enjoyed another month of being newlyweds, in the full capacity of that term. So when I found out I was pregnant AGAIN just 1 month after the first loss, my heart sank & anxiety came on strong. I texted my closest friends for prayer and just tried to give it up. In my heart I felt like this one would be different. No matter the prayers, I started bleeding again. This time I was plain frustrated & angry. I went to my ob and we had lost this one. In my mind I couldn't get rid of the thought I'm a terrible person.  I pushed back any grieving for this vacation,  I didn't want my friends to treat me any differently, tenderly or even nurse me. I wanted to enjoy it at full capacity. Reality came harsh when we got back. 

I'm a terrible person  was all I could sob to my husband. I'm a terrible designer, wife, photographer, woman, person, daughter... I love my husband. He so gently whispered, It's not your fault. I feel like that was the Father speaking through him. I felt like everything that was happening was my fault, was consequences for previous sins. It took my husband praying over me and a good night's sleep to clearly see what was happening. I turned the I'm a terrible person  into my truth. Crazy thing is, I know better than that. I know I am not a terrible person. I know God's truth.

This is a forever long post. There are so many details I left off. One thing I can't leave off is the fact God's timing is perfect. In both moments of fear, grief & loss - God had one of my mentors reach out to me at the right time. You know that timing. I am thankful for those ladies who talked me through the hard stuff. So many friends loved on me, thank you. If you are reading this, you know who you are. 

Besides my faith in God, amazing friends, a few things that encouraged me through both times:

Casey Weigand Blog

Glory Baby Song 

God is in Control Song 

What has been encouraging me today...

TRANSFORMATION

It's interesting when I start blogs, I can't seem to be consistent with them. In an effort to reign in all of my social media blogs and internet rabbit trail, I have decided this is where I will begin again. This is an  old blog, I have posts from 2007 on this one that I put into draft mode. So I transformed this blog from the previous title, "the untitled chapter" to what you see now.

My hope is this will be a safe place for me to be vulnerable in hopes my story somehow helps another. For example, the photo above is this past Saturday. I called it Wife Day as I conquered meal planning for the husband & I, Sam's Club, Ikea & even attempted to clean a little. I am not the perfect house wife I want to be. I don't keep up with our laundry, I don't make our bed everyday like I did in the beginning, and I certainly don't cook as much as I could. While there are a lot of "don't" in my life, I am trying to be ok with it. I know my man loves me for what I AM. I just read a blog today that reminded me to:

Spot the lies you are believing about yourself. Call them out. Speak truth to yourself and to others in your life. Live in grace. We are good enough, but we don't for a second have it all together...nor does that truth allow us to sit and make excuses. There's so much beauty in that, y'all. There's room for growth. There's room for mistakes. There's room for repentance & admitting we're wrong. There's room for SO much grace. 

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